This week, Mattel released three brand-new body types for Barbie: curvy, tall, and petite. Well it is about time! Real women have curves and bones are for soup therefore it is a long time coming to have a Barbie that reflects all women.
While some are thrilled that the iconic doll has matured passed the microscopic waist, non child birthing hips and hugantic breasts I have to admit that while I am no expert on women as a man who is gay I admire and respect the female ascetic – the real female aesthetic and this one… Well it is a start as I noticed in a nearly dark room with the new Barbie at least 10 feet away and slightly obscured by furniture and a lamp I think I noticed a marginal resemblance to the remarkable, intelligent, insightful, artistic, powerful and curvaceous women in my life.
So Barbie it is not your fault, but you have not quite realized your full potential in your effort to reflect the real female body. As a result, and not because you asked or give a crap I am offering a few options for your next re-invention.
P.S. Don’t be too hard on yourself Ken doesn’t have much of anything you know where…
- Huge Stomach Barbie
This Barbie is pregnant! Despite the Barbie rumors women sometimes actually do become pregnant! - Skin Rolls From Weight Loss Barbie
- Sweaty Barbie
One out of five women is an extreme sweater. Five out of five women believe that they are the one woman. This Barbie is the real deal! - Breasts Not As Perky As They Used To Be Barbie
This Barbie is in her 50s and is a research scientist. - Wrinkly Skin Barbie
Perhaps this Barbie’s is not all that smooth on the outside any longer, but she’s still all woman inside! - Shoulders Wider Than Hips Barbie
- Small, Sturdy, Athletic Barbie
- 36DD Breasts, Large stomach, Stick Legs Barbie
- Only Gains Weight In Her Stomach Barbie
- Awkwardly Long Arms That She Never Knows What To Do With Barbie
This Barbie comes with lots of accessories like Co2 Monitor, a coffee, and a slammin’ designer bag so she always has something to do with her hands! - 6’1″ With Breasts That Point Slightly To The Sides Barbie
- 5’10” With Spectacularly Developed Calves Barbie
- Has A Penis Because She Doesn’t Let Sex Define Her Gender Barbie (If this one offends you GET OVER IT!)